28 Sep Healing Past Hurt and Old Wounds
This is for all the people who struggle with low self-esteem, healing past hurt and who are fighting for to see their value and worth as they journey through this lifetime.
Moving from a space of self hate or low self esteem to one of self love is a ridiculously hard road. I would know. I started my journey 3 years ago and everytime I feel as though I am getting somewhere along the yellow brick road, wham! Life (or rather someone) happens that makes me fall straight into a giant pothole scrapping to get back out, dusting off the bruises, feeling the hurt, bandaging up the reopened wounds, only to start the journey again. It really does feel like I’m playing a game of snakes and ladder, where as soon as I move along feeling like I’m winning at the game of life, I roll the dice, only to land on a snake which swallows me whole and spits me out 10 miles backwards from where I began.
I get sad. I beat myself up. Finally, I begin the process of forgiving myself. Somewhere on this journey to self love I’m understanding that true growth doesn’t come when I’m isolated doing my mantras, my meditation, completing daily acts of self-love. It comes from when new relationships in the form of old wounds present themselves.
I can write a 10 page history as to why I suffered from a poor self image. But what good would that do? It’s living in the past. It’s clouding my vision of who I can be. Tears caress my cheeks as I silently mourn yet again, all of the past pain that is rising to the surface of my being.
I loathe when people say seemingly helpful anecdotes such as “You have to know your worth!”, “You have to love to yourself!” “Move on from your past!” but no one shows you HOW. This is the part I am yet to figure out. I guess it’s just a firm belief that no matter what negative remarks people spew in your direction you know that they are wrong.
I know that everyone preaches self love but where they did learn it? Was it something that they were born with? Was it nurtured? Did someone speak faith into their lives? Am I missing the self love gene? Is self love something that is attained and then it can never be taken away? Or does it require constant work over the course of your life?
It’s as if the whole world understands this ‘self-love’ that has eluded me my entire life.
Being vulnerable is tough. Letting people take a peep at your insecurities is embarrassing and scary. Letting them to only hear how stupid or unjustified your insecurities seem to them only breaks you a little bit more.
I got a rude awakening recently where I thought certain parts of my human experience was healed but triggers only allowed them to come to the forefront once again.
Where did I go wrong?
I guess our hurt and pain always lives within us but it’s in the knowing that those details those heart breaking, harrowing details don’t define us.
Those tragic bits of your story will not shine on their own but what we do have is the opportunity to grow and rise up from them.
Spending time trying to cover up the past or change the narrative so that it looks presentable and shiny to others is a waste of time. I learnt that to grow and to become who I meant to be, I have to step into my story. Own my shit. What I can decide is what role these tragic blimps in time have in my life going forward.
I have a bad habit (yes I’m labeling it) of collecting my bad moments. The not so proud moments and wearing them like a Scarlet ‘A’. What I really need to be collecting are my moments of growth, my moments of resiliency, my moments when I finally figured out my pattern and how I decided to change it.
Here’s to the journey of unconditional self love. To the journey of being whole.
Here’s to moving forward. Here’s to being beautiful, soulful and loving.